Do you ever wonder why you have a hard time finding love? You go on plenty of dates and yet you always leave the coffee shop a little discouraged, knowing that you still haven’t found the right person. It may be because you weren’t really giving your date a fair chance. Most of us are guilty of passing judgment based on our own standards. We meet someone new, pull out our checklist, and start going through all of the reasons why we don’t like the person. By the time you’ve received your caramel macchiato, the date is already a write off. My featured guests on the Dating & Relationship Show happen to be quite experienced with being judged right off the bat. Live cam industry workers Nikki Night & Daniel James were very open and honest with me about what their job entails and how this can influence dating. After gaining some insight from my colorful guests, I’ve come up with 4 main reasons why people might ditch their dates and miss out on finding a potentially great match.
Judging off of Appearance.
It is natural to have preferences, or things that attract you to someone else and ‘turn you on’. Some people prefer brunettes to blondes, or muscular to slim … we’re only human. However, the problem arises when we let these things dictate whether or not someone is worth our time. It is essentially a very shallow mindset to have on a date because you’re not even giving the person a chance to show you who they are. Nikki Night says that one thing she absolutely will not tolerate in her field of work is fat shaming or body shaming. She notes that the downside to being in a vulnerable position with others is that sometimes people use this as an opportunity to tear you down, and play off of your insecurities. You may be thinking to yourself, ‘I would never insult someone or make fun of the way they look’. This might be true; however judging them silently across the table isn’t doing anyone any favors either. Instead of focusing on the negative, think of as many positive things you notice about the person sitting across from you. Example: They have a beautiful smile or their eyes light up when they are fascinated or intrigued. If you look at people through a critical lens, you will only discover flaws.
Not so Conversational?
Not everyone is a master of conversation or knows the right thing to say. It may come easily to you, but can be very difficult for someone else. It could be that you’re just so strikingly beautiful that your date is at a literal loss for words. Whatever the reason, people often become nervous when they are trying to impress someone else. Moral of the story – cut them some slack! It doesn’t mean that they are incapable of intellectual stimulation or just a boring, uninteresting person. They are probably just too focused on not saying the wrong thing. The easiest way to navigate through an awkward silence is to appeal to their interests. Ask them about their favorite hobby, a good book they read recently or their favorite place to travel. Once they are talking about a topic that is familiar, everything will start to flow a little bit smoother.
Occupation Not Up To Par.
I remember in grade school, we would have to write essays on what we wanted to be when we grow up. Most kids will choose a very admirable career like an astronaut, lawyer, doctor, scientist or world leader. It’s okay to aspire to greatness or want to be with someone who has high hopes and dreams, but not everyone has peaked yet on the journey to success. It’s not fair to dismiss someone based on what they haven’t done or who they haven’t become. And further more, who’s to say this person does not have the potential to accomplish something great? Imagine all the girls that doubted or dismissed Mark Zuckerberg before he invented Facebook. He is now one of the world’s wealthiest billionaires. I’m not telling you to ignore the warning signs for someone who might be financially unstable or in large amounts of debt. I’m just saying not to discredit someone’s career choice or line of work just because it’s not as glamorous or lucrative as you imagined your future partner’s to be. What’s important is how they treat you, within whatever budget they are working with.
We Just Aren’t Compatible.
Most people hire matchmakers like myself, because they are having a hard time finding someone that they genuinely vibe with. I think people are quick to diagnose someone as ‘incompatible’. We are not alike, we have different values or morals, our outlook on life is not the same, my celebrity crush is different … the list goes on. In Nikki & Daniel’s line of work, people often use a series of filters to determine who will appear on the other end of the screen. I asked them how they felt about being subcategorized in this way. Nikki responded by saying ‘If you don’t want to be here, then I don’t want you here’. She acknowledges that people can be quite unwilling to wander outside of their comfort zone. This may work when your goal is to fulfill a fantasy, but it is not going to help you find love. We often think of compatibility in terms of what someone else can add to our lives and how they can fill in the gaps. For example, I am a foodie, so the person I date needs to love cooking. Or I don’t like to take public transportation, so the person I date needs to own a vehicle. Learn to appreciate what the other person is bringing to the table and then it will be easier to draw similarities and make a connection.
Remember, Love at first sight is only a concept. To really fall in love, you have to be willing to accept someone in spite of flaws or shortcomings. If you are already judging from the moment they walk in, than you could really be closing the door on a great match!
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To listen to this episode and past episodes check out The Dating and Relationship Show.
Ciao for now,
Laura
