Sometimes when we are faced with hardships in life, such as an illness, it is easy for us to shut people out. In the same breath, identifying with someone who is dealing with an illness can also be difficult. I sat down with Sandra Rotholc who is a Registered Psycho-Sexual Therapist to discuss cancer and sexuality and the importance of learning how to improve your quality of life after a Cancer diagnosis. Cancer is a disease that affects millions of people’s lives each and every year, both those who are diagnosed and the people who love them. I learnt a lot of important tips and knowledge from Sandra regarding how to have a healthy and active relationship when faced with cancer and how cancer and sexuality interact.
We’re no strangers to the term, ‘communication is key’. We’ll usually internalize it, keep it in the back of our minds, but have difficulty translating it into action. It’s easy to keep our emotions inside in order to prevent feelings of vulnerability, which can make you feel weak or not in control. However, your partner is not a mind reader. It’s not helpful to you or your relationship to keep things bottled up. If your partner is the one with the cancer diagnosis, it is important to ask them, ‘What do you need from me?’ and ‘How can I support you?’ The best advice I can give is do not be afraid of change and don’t be in denial. It’s important to embrace the change so that you can be prepared for it and alter your life accordingly. The partner without the illness also needs support as well. They may be having difficulty adjusting to the cancer diagnosis but feel that it is their job to remain strong and to not show signs of concern, anxiety or depression. There is no harm in nurturing one another through this. The more open and honest you are, the better your relationship will be.
The beginning of an illness does not signify the end of a sexually active lifestyle and cancer is not contagious. We are still sexual beings and it is important to maintain a certain level of intimacy, even if it slows down a bit. Along the lines of embracing change, sex is something that might not be the same as 
before. What worked for you in the past, may not work for you now, cancer and sexuality will vary per person and couple. But like I said, that’s ok! Sandra gave an example of a couple that was having sex primarily in the evenings, might have to change up their routine if the partner with cancer is more tired now, which I totally get, even I’m tired in the evenings! I can only imagine how it must feel to be going through strenuous treatments or procedures and not feeling as energetic when coming home to my partner.
It’s more about realizing that you and your partner both have needs and desires while accommodating for times when the urge is just not there. And if you are not feeling the urge, don’t force yourself to have sex in order to benefit your partner or out of fear that your partner may not remain faithful. Infidelity is something that many couples deal with, even if they are not battling a disease. Don’t feel guilty or responsible if you are unable to have sex – sexual experiences can expand beyond the perimeters of intercourse. Think about exploring other options or alternatives if this is something you can relate to.
The answer is to be both. Having a positive state of mind is the best way to help each other through this difficult process. This is a valuable approach to take when facing any situation in life where you are unsure of the outcome. But it doesn’t hurt to be prepared to deal with the unknown. Gather as much knowledge and information as you can on the subject, and then start going through it together. Have a routine in place, so that you can establish a sense of normalcy in your day-to-day activities. Find time to do things that you love, whether it be going for a walk or playing a board game or even watching your favorite Netflix series. Locate the resources that are available to you and never be ashamed to ask for help. There might be other couples that are going through a similar situation and would be happy to offer their support. You can also seek help from a social worker, nurses or doctors and of course a therapist like Sandra!
Please keep in mind, this is not a do’s and don’ts list for battling a cancer diagnosis and being in a relationship. Each couple is unique and may take a different approach. More importantly, you are strong, courageous and amazing even without my help! However, if you and your partner have been finding it hard to communicate, lacking physical intimacy or just haven’t been the same after a diagnosis, than I hope you were able to find encouragement and solace within my words.
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To listen to this episode and past episodes check out The Dating and Relationship Show.
