Commitment phobic, emotionally unavailable, however you want to describe it when you feel your lover is not ready for a serious relationship, it all ends up meaning the same thing.
Fighting to have a relationship with a commitment phobe is really like trying to win a losing battle. If your lover is commitment phobic there is nothing you can do in the interim to change that. Only internal work and time on their end will provide the opportunity for that change.
Here are 10 Signs Your Lover Is Commitment Phobic:
- They are not there for you: They are unreliable. You would drop anything to be there for them when they need you but when things are tough for you, they are MIA.
- They do not like the term boyfriend/girlfriend: They are hesitant or appear terrified to put any labels on your relationship.
- They are just out of a relationship/History of short relationships: Either they are just out of a relationship or have a long-standing past of short term relationships and one night stands.
- The relationship is hot and cold: You are constantly in a push/pull cycle with them. They come on strong for a few days then disappear. They are unpredictable.
- You have never met their friends or family: They rarely speak about their friends or family to you and there certainly is never any talk about meeting them. It’s as if they live two separate lives.
- They don’t want to go to your family events: Going to your family events is overwhelming to them. They either make excuses not to go or flat out tell you they will not be going.
- Dates are unplanned and on their terms: The dates are spontaneous; no future plans are ever made beyond a week.
- The relationship is predominantly about sex: Beyond the sex, there is not a lot of interaction where they are asking about you and wanting to get to know you.
- They don’t say I love you: You are in a place in the relationship where you feel you love them and they just never quite get there.
- They don’t talk about how they feel: It feels as if there is a huge wall between you too, especially when it comes to them telling you how they are feeling.
It’s like any phobia or addiction, the only person who can change a commitment phobe is the person afflicted. There’s nothing anyone else can do. But they have to want to make the change, otherwise it’s futile. If you’re waiting around, hoping you can love them into a committed relationship, you’re deluding yourself.
Maybe he or she does want to change for you, but it won’t happen overnight. Whatever made them commitment phobic in the first place was a long process and will require a significant amount of time to de-program. They can avail themselves of therapy or decide to do the work themselves, either way, there’s no quick fix.
Of course it’s up to you, but if you want to wait it out you have to be willing to give him/her the space they need to heal, which may be a good time to ask yourself why you are attracted to someone who is commitment phobic. Do you often find yourself attracted to people who are emotionally unavailable? If so, there’s some work you could be doing on yourself as well.
We all have issues, and relationships often bring them up. They are opportunities to grow and learn about ourselves. If you keep that in mind and take advantage of the opportunity, it can never be considered time wasted.