On the Dating and Relationships show I sat down with Sandra, Wendy Strgar a sex educator, Peter Anthony our friend and male perspective as well as Jacqueline a rape survivor to discuss sexual non-consent and sexual assault.
As a sex educator, Wendy told us a bit about her business GoodCleanLove which is centered around how to maintain healthy relationships and passionate intimacy. As an advocate for this subject she conducted a consent survey on 5 University campuses, where she explored how men and women ask for and express consent. The results were alarming and showed that a large number of women did not totally enjoy their sexual experiences due to the fact that they did not know how to express what they didn’t want until they were in the middle of it. In discovering these results Wendy works hard through her company and blog to educate young people on a vocabulary for consent.
In Wendy’s study, a majority of the men responded to enjoying all of their sexual experiences, which is not totally surprising since in most sexual encounters men hold the power. Sexual harassment and non-consensual sex is largely about power and this lead us to discussing Jacqueline’s story about her date rape experience. Jacqueline is a divorced single mom of 3 and wanted to get back into the 
dating scene again after her marriage didn’t work out. But today we all know that the dating scene is largely ruled by dating apps and social media. That is how she met the man that raped her. They met on Tinder, went on a couple of dates, they kissed they laughed and even slept together one time before. After 5 weeks time he invited her to his place where they drank a glass of wine and left to eat at a restaurant. Jacqueline had been at the National Women’s Show all day and hadn’t eaten much, so the drug he slipped into her wine hit her very quickly.
She felt very dazed, with slurred speech, blurred vision and the entire world seeming to move very slowly around her. She could barely order her food and hoped someone working there would help her, but no one asked if she was ok. She had to practically be carried out of the restaurant since she couldn’t find the balance to walk. Still, no one showed any concern. Once they got back to his place she passed out immediately fully clothed, but awoke naked to him raping her from behind. She protested and asked why he was doing this to her and when he pulled out, just like that she was out again. She awoke and he said he did this because he wasn’t going to see her again for a while. She left, rushing to the pharmacy to ask about her medication since last night she was so out of it she could not remember if she had taken it. The pharmacist asked why she couldn’t remember and she ended up telling him about the series of events that had happened to her. He was shocked and recommended she go to the hospital to get a rape kit done. They went through the kit and all of the tests came back negative, but the emotional trauma was still there. They asked if she wanted to press charges, but she was still bewildered by what happened to her and said she needed to think about it. She told her colleagues the next day what had happened and with their support she went to the Durham station and reported it, but the case had to be transferred to the Toronto District. When she received a follow up call from the Toronto Policeman, he showed no empathy for the situation.
She then went through an emotionally strenuous process of driving from Oshawa to Toronto to sit across from two unsympathetic policemen as she recited on video what had happened that horrible night. The whole situation was a terrible experience and there was no consequential justice served, as the man who did this to her got off unharmed, while the scars are still there for Jacqueline. As a result, this incident has skewed Jacqueline’s perception of men. When she started dating a new boyfriend months later, when they started kissing she burst into tears because she had a fear that if she started to be too sexual this guy would rape her too. She was so emotionally broken from the situation that when she left his house she said “thank you for not raping me”.
We often think that rape and sexual assault is something that happens in dark alleys by hooded strangers. But 78% of sexual assault is through date rape, which means the woman knows her attacker. In situations like these the incident leaves more than physical trauma since an attachment to this person was budding. Jacqueline found help through the Durham Crisis Center where she was able to hear other women’s sexual assault stories and how they got through it as well as speak to a therapist that is specialized in helping rape victims. We also encouraged preliminary cautions you can take to avoid getting into a harmful situation. Always watch your drink so there is no chance of someone slipping something into it. Always let a friend know where you are going on a date so they can help you faster if you are incapacitated like Jacqueline was. Try not to drink too much at parties so you know exactly how you are getting home and cannot be taken advantage of. These are some of the few, basic ones we mentioned.
I’m glad that Jacqueline was brave enough to share her sexual assault story with us to give more women the strength to get through similar situations. Jacqueline was also featured in a Durham video shared on Youtube called #webelieveyou to support rape victims. I am also happy that Wendy was able to join us to tell us a bit about her work as a sex educator and researcher and discuss sexual non-consent with us. Wendy has also published 2 books centered around the support of healthy intimacy and relationships titled ‘Sex That Works’ and ‘Love That Works’. To listen to the full show visit www.640toronto.ca and for more dating and relationship advice, check out my book.
